My Friends at the Gym

They are the cornerstones of every plastic playground in America. Their names and faces are irrelevant. It is their infinitely virtuous and upstanding character that matters. You may have had the blessed privilege in seeing them a few days ago or maybe even last night. They are those pesky, little splinters that just won't go away; the paper cuts that never seem to heal.

They stand behind you burning holes in the back of your head while you climb. They offer you ridiculous beta when you have not so much as offered them a furtive glance. There are some that lie in volumes to the point of hilarity, while there are some that say close to nothing after speaking for ages. Some of them wear black spandex and others have harnesses made around the birthing of Jesus H. Christ.

Regardless of the scenario, they really just grind my gears. The following catalogues some my favorite jack-in-the-boxes. Oh, and if you're wondering, the writer here is of course brimming with perfection, so all subjectivity and judgment toward others is entirely valid. Thanks.


1) The Guy in the Background:

He stands behind you with his arms crossed while you climb. He thoroughly enjoys watching people get on his newly created bouldering problem masterpieces so that he can watch them fall. This guy or girl works or lives at the gym, so he or she has plenty of time to prepare boulder traps. He waits behind the front desk, peering through the windows into the gym on the look out for the most vulnerable climber like a tiger waiting on Bambi to hop on by.

This person does not like climbing. Instead, he prefers watching people fall and "critiquing" them whenever necessary (read: all the time. This full-time, slippery snickering gym Grinch only watches so that he can say things like:

"That last crimper is pretty small, huh? It's probably one of the hardest cruxes here. I did it first try though. You should probably work on locking down your crimp strength."

(WHAT YOU'D REALLY LIKE TO SAY BACK: You should probably work on getting a real job, no?)

"Looks like Christmas added a little cushioning around the waist, eh? I reckon your gonna' need to lose those chunky chunks before you start cranking again. Just kidding man."

(WHAT YOU'D REALLY LIKE TO SAY BACK: I reckon' you should stop talking to me before I let this cement wall cushion your face.)

"You've been working on that for a while. It's hard for sure. I remember it feeling solid when I flashed it two months ago."

(WHAT YOU'D REALLY LIKE TO SAY BACK: I remember your mother feeling solid when I flashed her two months ago.)


2) The Sand Bagger:

A sand bagger grades routes or boulder problems much easier than they actually are to make themselves feel like they climb harder than they actually do. Sand bagging does not make you hard, it makes people dislike you. There is nothing more frustrating than getting on a problem you know you can comfortably climb grade wise and subsequently flailing about like a beached whale.

A sand baggers explanation for sand bagging: "I guess it might be a lot harder than what I graded it, but I was shooting for 5.10, so I just wrote that in its place. I'm feeling really strong these days though, so I figured why not be a ignorant curmudgeon, ya know? Discouraging beginner climbers, while inflating my swollen head is extremely satisfying."

Attention all sand baggers: grading a V10 a V4 does not make you cool, it makes you suck. Sometimes this type of tomfoolery may be by mistake, in which case your grading privileges shall be revoked. Forever. Since grades are really the only thing that matter in the sport of wrassling rocks, these types of miscalculations are blasphemous. Remember, we golden grade chasers feel insecure about our egos when we cannot crush the grade that we perpetually boast about to our fellow climbing comrades.

3) The One-Upper:

The one-upper asks questions to seek answers he or she does not care in the least about.

One-Upper: "Wad up bro, how was your weekend? Do any climbing?" (Beware: This is a standard set-up, seek and destroy question.)

Sucker: "I didn't get out really. Too much work and had some family stuff to take..."

"Oh, really. That's too bad man. My weekend was totally nar nar. I actually free-soloed El Cap Friday night after I chugged a keg with some friends in the valley. I fell about mid-way up on the 15th pitch, but managed to catch myself on these killer monos. The next day, like totally hung over, I flashed this new V15 that Chris Sharma apparently got spanked on. Funny thing is, I actually won the lottery that afternoon, cured cancer after lunch, had a baby, rescued a stranded dinosaur from a tar pit, and somehow managed to persuade Al Qaeda to start working with Bush on revised foreign policy. How was your weekend though dude?"

Sucker: "You just asked me that."

One-Upper: "Good talk. We'll see you out there tiger!"


The one upper will attempt to one up you in impossible situations.

Girl: "I'll be back in a minute, I just have to go use the bathroom."

One-Upper: "I just went to the bathroom and actually peed for 27 minutes straight. Without stopping. No break. Have you ever done that though?"

Girl: "No."

Most importantly, the one-upper will make be sure to pop your little balloon of glory after a send.

Enthusiast: "I just sent my first V5! It's taken most of the this winter to break through finally."

One-Upper: "Oh, that one around the corner? Nice work. I did that one in my street shoes with an elephant chained to back."

Enthusiast: No verbal response. A disappointed head nod and a slow retreat.


4) The Unsolicited Beta Man:

Just when you think your alone, he pops out from behind a wall and tells you to use the heel-hook sinker jab while twisting your index finger just enough to the right so that your center of balance will perfectly coincide with your lateral vortex. What?

Sometimes he'll jump out from behind the shower curtain in the morning to tell you that your brushing your teeth all wrong. Drop the elbow Nancy! Sometimes he's in the backseat telling you to that your last right should have been a left. Looks like you missed that turn about, huh, Frank?!

Beta Man is almost as annoying as the Man in the Background, but not quite. He has a good heart and is mostly genuine in his information, but is unwanted nonetheless. The only thing worse than Beta Man is the guy who tells you how to do a problem just so you know he did it (even know you really know he didn't).


5) The Love Bugs:

They are always in some random corner of the gym giggly googling. They are disappointing.

"Nooo, I'll belay you first bbbbabe."

"Nooooo, I'll belay you first snookems."

"Better idea, thats just talk about how nice your harness looks on you toots."

"SSSSSSSSShawn. Ssssstop it. He he he."



Anyway, this is all just for fun folks. I don't mean a word...