Bouldering Comp Mind Games: Getting Inside the Head of those Little Genetically Mutated Ding Dongs

With the EMS-Mammut Bouldering Championship inching closer each day, the topic of competitive strategy seems relevant enough to comment on. Let's face it, competitive climbing is not about losing; its about winning and coming out on top (life and death priority here) is not always based on brawn.

It's about looking good and grunting at just the right moment when your fingers latch a sloper that looks impossible to hold. It's about slowly turning to the crowd with a stoic look on your face that says, "Watch how hard I'm gonna crush this thing because I'm a beast and everyone should know it." Most importantly, it's about indignantly shaking your head after falling off Qualifier Number 1 as if to suggest that the problem was set for a "tall person" and that if you had remembered to wear you're red-power-yogatastical-prana pants you would have finished it.

No. This "article" is really about the complex mental stratagem that the most savvy competitors (like myself of course) are sure to deploy throughout the night. Since physical assault is more or less illegal at most competitions, one must rely on the caustic and manipulative powers of mental chicanery. There are several phases of psycho-climbing-bamboozlement that are essential in creating a slight mental edge over the next competitor and therefore producing an unseen physical advantage.



ISOLATION INCANTATION:

First off, you must make your fellow competitor think that you are feeling weak and tired, the same way you would on any given night when you meet up with your friends to train: "I had a long day at work, so I might suck tonight girlie," or "I just ate Subway, so I feel super heavy bra." The following are some simple lines you can use at will.

I was up 'till four in the morning last night with a lil' tummy ache. I have never felt more tired in my life......(A LIE: You logged a good ten hours of sleep the night before the competition and feel like you could pull a freight train up El Cap in under 30 seconds.)

Oh man, I haven't trained or even climbed for about two months. I just thought it would be fun to hang out here and see some old friends while we did some climbing.......(A LIE: The only time you weren't training was when you were in the bathroom weighing yourself to see if you lost one or two more pounds after peeing. Plus, you don't even have friends anymore because you haven't left the gym for the past four weeks.)

My fingers have been kind of sore and my left elbow tweaked a little bit last week on the Purple Nurple V8......(A LIE: You have been resting, stretching, and icing, not to mention shooting cortisone like candy corn, for the past two weeks. Your body could not be any more fit if you were Lance Armstrong after the Tour de "I am a Freak of Nature" France.)

The art of sandbagging is a subtle one, but once mastered, the effects can be devastating. If a competitor thinks that you are off your climbing game, they will become relaxed and less apt to try hard because they will be thinking that you are climbing like a wimpy-pants, causing an overall decrease in climbing performance.


BETA DECEPTION:

After each five minute climbing period, each competitor is alloted five minutes of rest. This five minute rest period should not just be used for showing off veins and pumping the guns. Instead, use this time to "help out" competitors waiting on problems next to yours. The following is a list of some juicy bait.

You looked solid on that last problem brahem. Your totally gonna crush this one too. Just remember the heel-toe cam, max flex figure-12 curve around the arete at the last move. It's impossible without it.......(FALSE: The climber was shaking more than an aggravated coke head run dry and of course there is no heel-toe cam either, but this comment will get the competitor thinking about the problem in the wrong frame of mind. Confuse and dismiss. Perfect.)

Hey muffin cakes, I flashed the first three problems. I guess I am just feeling good tonight. Looks like you'll have to flash all of em' to tie me, eh? Good luck buddy........(FALSE: You did not flash any problems. In fact, you did not even finish any of the problems; however, your buddy in the next seat over does not know this. Consequently, the added amount of flashing pressure is sure to infiltrate and tamper with his psych, possibly creating enough jitters to shake him right off the starting jugs.)

This next problem is a doozy. Mr. Sharma himself would be lucky to climb it brosephina......"FALSE: Chris Sharma is a ManGod and could float across a 400 foot piece of greased, over-hanging glass. Plus, the problem is not nearly as hard as implied. Instilling fear and a sense of intimidation in a competitor is extremely important.)

Just remember, bouldering comps are only fun if you are winning, so remember to employ these weapons of deception. If you do not feel comfortable using these techniques, then I suppose you could rely on talent, hard work, comradery , and sportsmanship. Right.


FEEL GOOD ENDING:

When all is said and done, bouldering competitions are all about having a good time while pushing your limits in a way that would have been impossible if not for the added energy and intensification created by genuine climbing partners and devoted enthusiasts rooting for you on each problem. The upcoming championship is basically a party where anybody and everybody is invited. It does not matter if you just started climbing V0- last weekend or you have been hiking V14 with a backpack on for the past century. Come one, come all. There is going to be three kegs for Pete's sake!

I am thankful that our small community can share such an exciting few nights together, uniting as one under a common interest: crushing. And of course in the end, I don't want anyone to fail anymore than I would like to myself...unless that means I could win.

Hope to see you all out there turning plastic into dust. Stay healthy and come get some November 9th and 10th at MetroRock North and South.